I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
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I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
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All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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