The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize