I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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