dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
