just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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