i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
Randomize
