finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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