i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you traded sex for a burrito?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize