i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
you traded sex for a burrito?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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