Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
