I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
