dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
