can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
