you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
i need to put some appletini on your dick
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed