PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
i dont even know how to be here
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
