you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
