i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.