dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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