i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Randomize
