his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
