It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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