So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Randomize
