just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Is it because I queefed?
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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