I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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