you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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