the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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