You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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