How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
