Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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