He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
