Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
