I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
