Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
