I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
