my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
