I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
