Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
