I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
