Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
