I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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