i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
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i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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