I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
