i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
