Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
