matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
