there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
