My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
