Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
