my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Randomize
