My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
