Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
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Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
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Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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