i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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