Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
