Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
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