Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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