Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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