I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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