kristin has been a bad kristin
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
