remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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