He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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