Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
