I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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