My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
