I wish my penis had an off switch
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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