Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
