first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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